By S.E. Waters
There are some things in life that are simply unexplainable.
Why the Baldwin brothers are all so creepy, why the host of Food Network’s Cupcake Wars is such a douche, and why Americans rarely ever won the gold medal in Nickelodeon’s Global Guts are a few unanswered phenomena that I grapple with on a weekly basis.
However, I have recently tried to delve a little deeper into one particularly bothersome, unexplainable mystery: Why is it that the D.C. area is filled with ugly people?
While I do not claim to have perfected an exact scientific explanation, I have put together several potential hypotheses that I believe could all be factors.
Thus, I present to you five potential reasons why the D.C. Metro population is so ugly:
5. The Climate: Recently we’ve had quite incredible weather, but in general D.C. is pretty miserable from November through mid-March. That means that about four to five months each year, people in our area are super pale and wear bulky jackets to bundle up. I can only speak for myself, but I find ghost-white skin pretty unattractive and I think bulky jackets are really unattractive.
By S.E. Waters
Let’s make one thing clear: I love dogs and I also love happy hours.
Photo from Flickr user Jonathan Gaskin
I also love steak, as well as peanut butter, but that doesn’t mean I would just put the two together because they taste good individually. A steak and peanut butter sandwich would suck; and so do doggy happy hours.
This is a classic case of the whole not equalling the sum of the parts.
Doggy happy hours seem to be a growing trend in D.C., and I really understand why.
If people are really worried about leaving their dogs home alone between 5:30-7 at night, they probably need training.
Many people give that crappy excuse that doggy happy hours provide their pets a chance to “play” with other dogs, but that’s bogus because most of them just bark at each other the whole time.
Plus, it’s just a pain for the people there without dogs.
Excuse me Sir? Yes, you, the one who is participating in doggy happy hour. It would be a lot nicer experience for me to enjoy my post-work beer without having to worry about your Chihuahua Buster humping the shit out of my leg.
By S.E. Waters
Photo from Flickr user ModenADude
Not much explanation needed here.
Gregg Williams, the Defensive Coordinator of the New Orleans Saints and former Defensive Coordinator of the Washington Redskins, allegedly created a bounty system to pay his players to hurt opponents.
Dear Gregg: Thanks for being a complete dick and having the balls and lack of integrity to try to reward injury creation.
Oh, and you managed to somehow drag the Redskins down further than they’ve ever been before.
Welcome to the Shitlist.
By S.E. Waters
Photo from Flickr user Scott Smith
So last night was the Bachelor’s two hour all-out sob/bitch fest of a special, dedicated to letting the rejected ladies “tell all”.
While there were a flurry of humorous moments, the overall show was absolutely brutal to watch, and left viewers dodging sharp, cutting edits, staged lines, Chris Harrison’s pseudo blowout, and shots of old women in the crowd sobbing like a good friend had just died.
I’m not going go into a full detailed breakdown of the show, because it simply doesn’t deserve one.
What the crappy program does deserve, though, are these few reflections:
Take a look at this tweet from Senator John McCain about Russia’s elections going to Vladimir Putin:
Speak the truth Johnny, speak the truth!
By S.E. Waters, Shitlist Staffer
Photo from Flickr user Nostri Imago
Most weekends in the D.C. area feature the occasional homicide, a few stupid fancy, shmancy galas Downtown, and a lot of overly drunk people stumbling down 18th Street at 3:30 in the morning, trying desperately to stuff a Jumbo Slice down their throats as quickly as possible.
That’s most weekends in the D.C. Metro area.
Then, every once in a while, our area is treated to a weekend with a story that is quintessential Shitlist material, like this one.
By S.E. Waters, Shitlist Staffer
We all knew Lindsay Lohan was fucked up, but I was at least holding out some kind of slim hope that she would retain some shred of acting ability.
Well, after seeing Lohan’s performance this weekend as the host of Saturday Night Live I feel like an idiot for holding out that hope.
Check out this scene, which is one of the stupidest skits I’ve ever seen on SNL, to see how terrible Lohan was for yourself.
Thumbs up if you think Lohan’s performance belongs on the Shitlist, thumbs down if you don’t.
This photo comes from Flickr user devilzkandi
Phillies fans that live and work in DC, but never shut the fuck up about how great Philly is; AND to top it all off: they’re actually from Jersey.
Do you think this post belongs on the D.C. Shitlist?
Give the thumbs up for “yes” and the thumbs down for “no”.
Remember, you too should submit your shit to be added to the D.C. Shitlist.
By S.E. Waters, Shitlist Staffer
So this isn’t a breaking video by any means, but it is so Shitlist quality that we just had to post it. It’s a campaign ad that was created by a politician in California named Dan Adler for his run at a position in Congress.
Adler was clearly attempting to demonstrate in this video that he is a man who would represent people of all races…he just went about trying to convey that message in a very bizarre way.
The campaign video featured below shows Adler talking with an older woman about her Medicare issues.
The woman, who is a pretty terrible actress, cuts him off and proclaims, “I’m Korean!”
Adler then goes on to explain, with a chuckle, that his wife is Korean as well.
She looks at him, full of confusion, and exclaims, “But you’re Jewish!” Adler confirms that he and his family are Jewish, to which the Asian woman responds, “We minorities should stick together!”
The acting in the video is just so bad it’s funny. Take a look, enjoy, and let the hilarious shittiness of this campaign ad waft over you:
Do you think that this campaign ad belong on the Shitlist? Click the thumbs up if you think they belong and click thumbs down if you don’t.
This submission comes to us from “ST” via user submission:
The nightlife spot Lotus is on my D.C. Shitlist.
I have not been to this establishment in two years and yet I feel like I need to speak on it. Lotus is perfect for the Shitlist. Why you ask?
Photo from Flickr user Kim
1) This “club” looks to me like it’s a converted trash room for the real estate above. The bar takes up probably 25% of the dance floor away and the classic club table space takes up another 60%. This left me, a normal, regular, non-ballin person (and someone not stupid enough to spend $800 on their credit card to sit on white Ikea furniture with some fruity mixers in front of them) only 15% of standing space.
Once I got comfortable in this landing strip of a dance floor, I had to deal with the euro-house mix of every played out song known to man/woman screaming in your ear.
And then, once you get past the corny sophisticated light show, cramped dance floor, and shitty music, you have to deal with the drinks.
How does an establishment serve $9 Heinekens?
What annoys you in our city?
Photo from Flickr user Alien Swede
A certain crowd of people? A specific Metro stop? A ridiculous D.C. law?
We want to know.
Submit a few lines via this easy form and if it’s shitty enough, we’ll post it on the D.C. Shitlist.
Don’t edit yourself. Don’t worry that you’re the only one that is bothered by a specific item.
We’ll post it and see if the rest of the city thinks your submission is worthy of being on the D.C. Shitlist.
So what are you waiting for? There’s got to be something in D.C. that drives you nuts!